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Ok, so why write a bio? After all it might seem somewhat self indulgent, but then it may also be cathartic, a log of one’s journey... and if on the way it helps understanding, or even helps another friend on his/her journey, then that’s also good. So here goes, in no particular order, but more a stream of consciousness... which I will add to as and when I can or feel inspired to. * * * * * Why? Well the first thing to say is: for me it’s like that scene in Billy Elliott, when he is just leaving the audition for the RBS and they ask him what it feels like when he dances. Initially, he finds it hard to put into words, but then it comes to him: “I feel free... like electricity running through my body...” That is in a microcosm, how I feel when I am able to allow Jaye to express herself. It goes far beyond clothes, fashion, or style, even femininity: it runs far deeper. Purging: Many of us have gone through phases of “purging” at some point in our lives, probably for all kinds of reasons. From my background of having grown up with an intense, personal faith, I find the very term “purging” curious – implying a sense of cleansing, and therein a notion of perceived uncleanness! Maybe that was how I felt, unclean, or that it was wrong? But is anything ever that simple? I am sure that each of us
will face or hit all kinds of challenges throughout our lives, and likewise
we will probably handle them in different ways too. But what I do feel
different about now is that I found a sense of belonging, of community
like no other that I can draw on for support. Belonging:
For so long I felt that I was alone, a freak, a pervert even, perhaps
someone who was ill? Even when I discovered this wonderfully diverse
TG community of ours on the Internet – which proved to me I was
NOT alone – I still came and went with emotional peaks and troughs,
creating and terminating online identities several times, and returning
the clothes to drawers or cupboards (I am lucky in that I have never
actually binned anything!)... Only to return some weeks or in some cases
months later. However, deep inside my confidence was growing, although at this point I hadn’t truly allowed Jaye into my world. It was only in mid 2004 when I experienced my first real makeovers and, as you can see for yourself, ventured out in public as Jaye. Makeovers:
To be honest I dreaded looking in that mirror the first time: I really
thought I was going to look dreadful and I would easily be able to just
walk away and never even want to do it again. But it says something
for Linda’s delicate and thoughtful makeup skills... and for something
like 20 minutes I sat speechless gazing at this new creature who was
looking back at me. Those of you who know me will recognise that I am
rarely lost for words, well this was such a moment.
It was then that I began to make some life-changing decisions and probably the main one was to allow Jaye to flourish. The second was to stop fighting. Hence I have gentle withdrawn from my spiritual struggle to ease that sense of perceived conflict I was experiencing. The reality for me was that I just could NOT kill off Jaye – even if I had wanted to, which to be honest I didn’t: it would have been like killing a real person. And yet I see or feel that Jaye is actually inside me: as much a part of my world as any other aspect. For me this has been a huge
revelation, and accepting this has meant that so much of the pain I
have felt over the years has eased. Sure, it hasn’t answered anything
like most of my questions, by any means. But that sense of conflict
has been removed, and many friends have told me I look and seem healthier
and happier for it. I certainly feel like a new person, and even my
wife and sons have said that I am generally easier to live with now. |
